Les Miserables by the Death Eaters
by Bellatrix567
Summary: Voldemort takes the Death Eaters to see a movie; Les Mis. Then he decides that they will learn the songs and preform the musical. Nagini is transfigured into a human to make up for a lack of girls, and there is much debate over casting (because there isn't enough space in the summary to actually make this sound cool). Just click on the title and trust it will be funny.


**I was bored and I don't have enough Death Eater fic up yet, so I wrote this. I'm reading Les Mis and I've been trying to place the Death Eaters for a while, so maybe this will help, plus it will be so much fun to write about them going to a Muggle movie theater.**

**Yes, Bellatrix and Severus legitimately hate each other... they are not in a secret relation ship... (barfs)... sorry to all you Severus/Bellatrix fans, I just can't understand that. I can, however, understand Severus/Nagini, so my judgement may not be the most reliable (but come on, just because Bellatrix is the only pretty girl doesn't mean she's screwing every single Death Eater).**

**Disclaimer: Yes, I totally wrote Les Mis back in the 1800s, that was so me, I'm 200 years old now. That would certainly explain why Cosette didn't explode in a flurry of flying unicorns and rapid bunnies like the ones in Monty Python (I just really can't stand her; amongst all these heroes who are dying for good reasons, she's crying and running away from some idiot she met through a fence and knew for a day and talked with for less than an hour.)**

"I call shotgun!" Greyback yelled as the Death Eaters, Voldemort, and Nagini raced towards the car.

"Call _what_?" Severus said.

"Aw..." Greyback snarled as Bellatrix climbed into the front seat. He followed Severus into the back of the van, behind Lucius and Wormtail, who was unwillingly seated beside Nagini. Voldemort, last out to the car because he was the one who had the money, looked around for a place to sit. The driver's seat was the only one available.

"Who's gonna drive this thing?" he shouted to the car of Death Eaters.

"What, you don't know how..." Greyback trailed off and decided it was a good time to shut up.

"Severus is half Muggle, he should know," Bellatrix said snidely.

"Hate to tell you this, Bella, but they don't teach you to drive when you're _eleven,"_ he snapped.

"Do none of you seriously know how to drive?" Greyback asked.

"And you seriously do?" Bellatrix said.

"Um, yeah." He glanced at the Dark Lord for permission, then moved towards the driver's seat. Bellatrix spared him a disdainful glare before offering Voldemort the front seat.

"Wormtail, move," she commanded, stepping around Nagini to get to the back. Wormtail didn't bother with a stare-down; he scuttled to the back where Severus was sitting, looking mildly amused. Voldemort climbed into the front seat; doors were slammed, seat belts were buckled. "Safety first," the Dark Lord reminded his servants. Greyback jammed the key into the ignition and pulled away from the Lestrange Manor.

"Where are we going, exactly?" Greyback started haphazardly on the road, hitting a number of mailboxes and more often than not driving in the wrong lane.

"The movie theater," Voldemort said. "We're going to see a movie, remember?"

"I know that, but which movie theater?"

"I don't know, why do you expect me to know all the Muggle stuff?" Voldemort said. "Just drive around until you find a theater." Greyback shrugged, turning the car onto one of the main streets.

"Radio, please?" Lucius asked. Greyback turned it up to an audible pitch, then started searching for a station._ Baby you light up my world like nobody else, The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed, when you smile at the ground it ain't hard to tell..._

"_Kill him! Kill him!"_ Nagini hissed. "_I thought you'd already destroyed this singer?"_

_ "That was Justin Bieber_," Voldemort said. "_This... I like this song!"_ Nagini saw Lucius tentatively watching Voldemort to see his reaction. Nagini knew that look - when you liked something, and were waiting to see if the Dark Lord agreed, and therein wouldn't torture you for voicing your opinions. She rolled her eyes in disgust and slithered up to Lucius' lap as punishment for liking this offending noise.

"Turn the music up!" Voldemort said, rolling the window down my magic after he'd already broke the switch. Greyback's face was screwed up in pain as he followed the Dark Lord's orders. He glanced over his shoulder at the rest of the car; Lucius was the only one visibly enjoying One Direction. Bellatrix and Severus each would willingly strangle him if given the chance, and Nagini already was - or was about to, at any rate.

"_I don't like this_," Nagini hissed, her head creeping up Voldemort's shoulder. "_Change it or I'll bite him_," she nodded at Greyback. "_Then we won't get to see a movie, because there will be no one to drive._"

"_You wouldn't dare_," Voldemort hissed.

_"Oh yes I would_," she snapped. "_You're the one who cares so much about the movie._"

"_You owe me for this_," he snarled, then turned to Greyback, "Change the station."

"Yes, m'lord," he said gratefully.

_three minutes later..._

"_And you're trying to tell me Ke$ha is an improvement?"_ Voldemort hissed at Nagini.

_"Funny, I was about to say the same to you_," she said. "_But hey, at least your girlfriend's happy."_

"_Who?_" But Voldemort had already glanced over his shoulder at Bellatrix. She was grinning at Severus, who was glaring back, his eyes burning. "_Ugh, they're probably going to keep fighting again._"

"_Keep fighting again?_"

"_What?"_

_ "Great grammar skills you've got there, just saying._"

"_**Start**__ fighting again, whatever!_"

"_Good job. Now tell them to shut up and change the goddamn music!"_ Nagini pulled back from his shoulder; Greyback stopped shying away and tried to focus on the road while listening to his favorite female singer.

"Can we change the station now?" Lucius asked.

"What, so you can listen to more of your Justin Bieber?" Greyback said.

"I only like One Direction because Bella here said I should stop listening to..."

"Hey," Bellatrix snarled, "You know what happens to people who call me Bella who aren't direct family.." Lucius did; remembering the bloody carcass on the floor that used to be Scabior's brother was enough to get him to shut up. Scabior's brother was the last man to try to flirt with Bellatrix in a long time.

"The Dark Lord is direct family now, is he?" Severus said, just loud enough for her to hear.

"Got a problem, Severus?" Voldemort hissed.

"_Really?_" Nagini slithered to the back of the van and curled on the middle seat between Severus and Wormtail, who hadn't said a word the whole trip. "_Are we really doing this again?_"

"Doing what - _Doing what again?"_ Voldemort asked.

"_Just throwing random insults at each other - it gets old._"

"Maybe... maybe we should turn the radio off," Wormtail squeaked. "Then we'd stop fighting..."

"What do you know," Severus sneered.

"... about music."

"Hey, isn't that a theater?" Lucius turned away from the window.

"I don't know, I'm just driving!" Greyback snarled. "I can't read and drive at the same time!"

"You can read?" Bellatrix asked, almost genuinely surprised.

"_I can read hieroglyphs,_" Nagini hissed. "_Voldy, tell them you can read hieroglyphs."_

_ "_I can read hieroglyphs," Voldemort announced agreeably. "_What was the point of that?_"

_"I don't think they all know what hieroglyphs are_," Nagini said.

"_Um... yeah, you're probably right,"_ Voldemort said, not too keen to tell Nagini that _he_ didn't know what hieroglyphs were.

"That's amazing, my Lord," Bellatrix said.

"You could teach us; we could use it as a new kind of communication," Wormtail suggested, clearly trying to impress.

"_Because you guys write letters so often, don't you_?" Nagini hissed.

"_Why'd you suggest I say something if you're only using it to be sarcastic?"_ Voldemort asked.

"_It's fun_," she answered, "_and I'm still not sure if they all know what it means._"

"When the Dark Lord asks for ideas," Bellatrix was saying, "I'm sure that'll be _top of the list_, won't it, Lucius."

"Hm? Oh, yes, of course."

"Don't expect all of us to pay atten - Greyback, are you sure you know how to drive?" Severus snapped as Greyback made a sharp U-turn and was now driving in the opposite direction than the rest of the cars.

"Yes, I just need to get into the right lane," Greyback muttered. He raised his voice, "You saying you could do better?"

"Do any of you actually know what hieroglyphs are?" Voldemort asked, his high, clear, girly voice silencing the rest of the van. There was a murmur of dissent, which turned to assent, then went neutral. "Severus? Bellatrix? Pray tell?"

Greyback's expression clearly said _who gives a damn about hieroglyphs?_ as he turned into the theater parking lot. Meanwhile, Bellatrix and Severus engaged in a stare-down which somehow resulted in Wormtail saying, "Um... hieroglyphs are... um..."

"Did I ask you, fool?" Voldemort said.

_Squeak!_ "No, m'lord, sorry, m'lord, I'll never..."

"Severus, what are hieroglyphs?"

"Hieroglyphs are... writing," he said slowly, trying to look disdainful and thinking hard. Bellatrix smirked nastily, but refrained from saying anything, lest the Dark Lord called on her (if it was anything else, she'd be happy for the attention, but you can't expect a Death Eater to know too much about history, can you?). "Ancient... writing," Severus continued. "Hieroglyphs are ancient Egyptian writing, my Lord."

Voldemort half-glanced at Nagini, who hissed, "_Yes...,"_ then said, "Very good, Severus."

"_Hieroglyphs were words drawn in pictures, similar to Chinese characters in a way. They were written on pyramids and ancient Egyptian scrolls. They were..."_

_ "Are you suggesting I translate all that, Nagini?"_ Voldemort hissed. Then he turned to the Death Eaters and announced that they were going inside.

**Okay, the car ride was a little longer than I'd expected, so they'll see the movie in the next chapter. Still, review! Then I will be happy and write faster.**


End file.
